| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2009|07:22 am] |
| [ | feel |
| |  annoyed | ] |
EVERYTHING has been annoying me lately. Every little thing, and I think I'm going to lose it.
One: I hate when on AIM, I get up for 5 minutes and the person I was talking with has gone completely mad and has started answering his/her questions for me... PATIENCE!? Here's an example
(7:06:01 AM): we could hangout later (7:13:40 AM): or whatever (7:20:10 AM): or not
SO ANNOYING.
More later, when something else completely drives me off the edge.
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| (no subject) |
[May. 20th, 2009|08:23 am] |
| [ | listen |
| | Michael Jackson | ] |
So basically, that last post was a little watered down from the chaotic situation it really was, so here's a more detailed update of what is happening.
After I posted that, I was ultimately freaked out. I had no idea what I was doing, just trying to deal with it. Well the drastic hormone changes really got a hold of my decision making and I decided I HAD to get an abortion or my life was going to be over. So I called the father and we agreed that in 3 weeks (when he had the money) that we would venture off to Albuquerque, NM and 'get rid of it'.
I know several girls who have made the decision to abort their babies and seem perfectly fine after, so they each gave me advice and tips from their experiences and I was completely set in my decision.
My mom, being more excited than I am I think, set me up with a doctor to get my vitamins and all the tests I needed done, blood work etc. Well they thought it would be fun to see if we could hear a heartbeat already.. Sure enough, there it was. It took everything in me to not cry.
I began to re-think my decision of stopping that little racing heart.
We made an appointment to see another doctor the following day to get an ultrasound. Not the best picture ever, but you get the idea. I realized right then that I couldn't go through with the abortion, seeing it, hearing it.. It was all too much and I had to deal with the consequences of my irresponsible behavior. Abortion seems like the "easy way out" because it's over with physically, but emotionally it's always there. I am so glad I realized that before it was too late.
Soooo anway, the little blip in the picture is about 12 weeks old and 2 1/2 inches long and I love it already.
I moved back in with my parents for a little bit just so I can start saving up money and getting all of the baby necessities taken care of. My mom doesn't want me to leave.
Hopefully in the next few months I can get a new apartment and get everything set up, this will all be over before I know it and then the real responsibility sets in.
After I pop out the little spawn, the father of the child has agreed to sign over his rights to the baby and completely step out of our lives so he can go sell pot and sleep with everyone in Texas like he wants to do.. Perfectly fine with me. I'm over it entirely. I would much rather do this on my own , than to constantly be worried about where my kid is going every weekend.
Overall I'm super excited, if I could go back and do things differently I would, but I can't so this is just how it's going to be.
Everything works out how it's supposed to be in the end anyway, right?
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2009|08:20 am] |
After a lonnnnnnnng, much needed vacation away from my emotions.. It's finally time to settle in and deal again.
A lot has happened from then to now, and a lot of pieces of my heart have been scattered even more. But everything happens for a reason right??
Whereeee to start...
I introduced my then fiance', Brian, to this bitch Annie who worked at Dillards with him but in makeup. She claimed to be my friend and she was also in a pretty serious (or so I thought) relationship with one of my oldest friends, Johnel. Well after her and Brian meet, it was like a match made in heaven.. They chit chatted for hours and never lost eye contact with me standing RIGHT THERE.. How much bullshit is that? They were very obviously flirting, and I knew something had to be done. So I backed away, gave Brian his space, let HIM come to ME for once.. But that never happened. A few weeks later I get a call from Annies boy, Johnel, saying "I think it's kinda funny that both our ex's are hooking up"............
Whatever. I was over it. I mean, what can you do?
So seeing as how Johnel and I are such good friends, we decided to hangout one night and go over everything that had happened, and just catch up for old times sake. Hahaha well... We realized we had a lot more in common than we thought.. So without even thinking, we started dating. That was fun for awhile, a little too crazy and too fast though. The pills, the booze, the sex.. Crazy and very out of character for myself. Well then something happened that explained all of that... I'M PREGNANT. Oops. So the pills and booze were a huuuuge no no on my part, but I had no idea until I was about 5 weeks. Johnel and I were together for 2 weeks.
I brokeup with him so I could try to get my life together a little better, because I really had no idea what I was doing at that point. I quit smoking, drinking, narcs.. I quit going out even.
I feel so much better now that I'm out of that scene, and like I said "everything happens for a reason".. I'm thinking this baby is a sign that it's time to get serious, and I couldn't be more ready. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 3rd, 2009|09:11 am] |
| [ | feel |
| | crybaby | ] |
| [ | listen |
| | the format | ] |
Change of plans.
I understand that saying "everything happens for a reason" but in this situation it just does NOT apply, and I have no idea why what happens to me happens.
I met someone. He seemed like a perfect catch, hilarious, gorgeous, spontaneous... the works. We jokingly got engaged and then after hanging out a few times realized it wasn't a joke anymore. We picked out rings and everrrrything and it was all perfect until something just.. changed. We stopped seeing each other everyday, and then when we did see each other it was for like an hour tops even if we had more time.
We NEVER did anything, movies, dinner, coffee, driving, that's it.
I didn't meet his parents for awhile, and even when I did we had to hide our engagement from them. My parents on the other hand were fine with it. It was just a huge mess.
With him going to school and work full time I broke. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm the neediest person alive and I HAVE to have attention :( And lots of it. And maybe I've just been deprived of it for so long that now my expectations have sky rocketed.. Whatever the case, I know what I want and I'm starting to believe I'm never going to get it.
tbc
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| At laaaaast.. |
[Jan. 6th, 2009|09:44 am] |
| [ | feel |
| | thinky | ] |
| [ | listen |
| | the con | ] |
Wow.. the past few weeks I've just been crazy overwhelmed with trying to figure out what I want next. Should I go back to school? Should I really follow through with moving to Denton? Should I just travel? And then the emotions sink in. When am I going to meet HIM? Where is this soul mate person? And I know I know, the whole "soul mate" thing is so overrated and cheesy. But I want it. I like cheesy and overrated is my middle name.
There was Clarence, the steamy New Yorker who knew everything about anything. Our mothers are really good friends and tried to set us up. And it worked, until he had to go back to NYC for work and school a short week later.
Then there was Damon, the Star Wars loving piano man. He could play the piano like nobodies business and I think that's what attracted me to him the most. Being that musically inclined is such a turn on. We drank a lot together and him being a lot older than me I think pushed him away.
Ellis... he seems to be everything I want in a guy. Talented, driven, tall, handsome... And then there's his negative quality. He's soooo busy all the time, and basically... I'm the neediest person in the world. And I don't even know if I'm going to move next month anymore. So what's the point?
After feeling completely let down and clueless, it was like my prayers were answered..
(..to be cont..)
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 18th, 2008|01:48 pm] |
Orders from Clarence. Here we go..
I'm so happy that I have an awesome family, after moving in and out all the time, it really brought us closer together and showed us how much we mean to one another. I LOVE the relationship I have with my sister now, and my mom couldn't be more of an inspiration.
The people Ive met in my life over the years have also been amazing.. even if they aren't in my life now, they helped me in some way, or maybe just taught me to NOT be like them bahaha.
I appreciate the fact that I don't have as many close friends as I once did, I wasn't a very good person then.
I'm lucky I have the privilege to up and leave whenever I want, I have food on my plate and a roof over my my head.. The simple things we take for granted everyday really make a HUGE difference in how we live.
It's hard to go into detail with what I WANT, though.. I mean, I want a lot.
I want to be successful in whatever I decide to do.. I want to know as many people as possible and help them as they help me. I want to grow up and fall in love, I want to meet prince charming and live happily ever after. I want a family and an awesome job where I can go to work happy and come home happy.
I want to be free of all this stress of not knowing and get educated and live my life.
I want to be happier. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2008|11:05 am] |
| [ | feel |
| | ?? | ] |
| [ | listen |
| | de lune | ] |
I wrote some more in the book I've been writing for over 5 years now, today.
It's really hard to remember certain things my past because I've spent all these years trying to forget it, and it worked. I'll find pictures I never knew I took, scraps of paper with words I never knew I wrote.. most of it doesn't even sound like me. The things I used to do, the people I used to hangout with.. everything is so alien to me now. I can't fathom it.
I remember when I was about 15, you would come to my house out in the country, and pickup my guitar that I never played, and you would sing me songs all day. Even my mom liked you.
Before you had 2 kids, before you got addicted to meth, went down this stupid artfag road.. before you lost your mind. It was all a lot easier.
They say everything happens for a reason, and sure, sure.. whatever. I'm just waiting for that reason to be brought to my attention. And maybe it's been staring me in the face this whole time and I just don't want to see it.
I'm aware that all of this is just preparing me for what's to come later, it's just not so easy to see that silver lining all the time. But I strongly believe that I am overdue.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2008|02:34 pm] |
| [ | feel |
| | ágætis byrjun | ] |
| [ | listen |
| | ( ) | ] |
When I was about 12 years old I remember my mom buying me a sigur rós album that came with a dvd with the music videos on it, and I would lay in my parents bed all day watching it over and over. I remember doing this everyday at least once.
I've always had really bad anxiety and I recently stopped taking my medicine for no apparent reason, obviously my anxiety got worse.. but then I found my old sigur rós dvd. And it might just be a mind over matter type thing but whatever the case, after watching that again, and reliving a part of my past but also re-acknowledging the talent of the band, just calmed me.
"Music can name the un-nameable and communicate the unknowable"
Leonard Bernstein
"..in the end I think of music as saving grace for all humanity."
Henry Miller |
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| rehash |
[Dec. 1st, 2008|12:06 pm] |
"But what about when people explore their inner selves? Make journeys of self-discovery? Aren't they going within to find the truth?"
"They're just exploring the ego, making a study of the false self, which is a lifequest as valid as any other. But you don't wake up by perfecting your dream character, you wake up by breaking free of it. There's no truth to the ego, so no degree of mastery over it results in anything true. Putting attention on the false self merely reinforces it."
Jed McKenna |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2007|01:04 pm] |
| [ | feel |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | listen |
| | feist | ] |
i have a cold.
in the middle of summer.
just my luck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2007|11:42 am] |
| [ | feel |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | listen |
| | siouxsie and the banshees | ] |
i no longer have fake hair.
i ripped out my extensions in a drunken rage haha along with some strands of the real deal.
no worries.
life is good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 13th, 2006|03:21 pm] |
| [ | feel |
| |  lazy | ] |
| [ | listen |
| | the beatles | ] |
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: BOB DYLAN
February 1966.
PLAYBOY: Mistake or not, what made you decide to go the rock-'n'-roll route?
DYLAN: Carelessness. I lost my one true love. I started drinking. The first thing I know, I'm in a card game. Then I'm in a crap game. I wake up in a pool hall. Then this big Mexican lady drags me off the table, takes me to Philadelphia. She leaves me alone in her house, and it burns down. I wind up in Phoenix. I get a job as a Chinaman. I start working in a dime store, and move in with a 13-year-old girl. Then this big Mexican lady from Philadelphia comes in and burns the house down. I go down to Dallas. I get a job as a "before" in a Charles Atlas "before and after" ad. I move in with a delivery boy who can cook fantastic chili and hot dogs. Then this 13-year-old girl from Phoenix comes and burns the house down. The delivery boy - he ain't so mild: He gives her the knife, and the next thing I know I'm in Omaha. It's so cold there, by this time I'm robbing my own bicycles and frying my own fish. I stumble onto some luck and get a job as a carburetor out at the hot-rod races every Thursday night. I move in with a high school teacher who also does a little plumbing on the side, who ain't much to look at, but who's built a special kind of refrigerator that can turn newspaper into lettuce. Everything's going good until that delivery boy shows up and tries to knife me. Needless to say, he burned the house down, and I hit the road. The first guy that picked me up asked me if I wanted to be a star. What could I say?
PLAYBOY: And that's how you became a rock-'n'-roll singer?
DYLAN: No, that's how I got tuberculosis. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|02:36 pm] |
| [ | feel |
| | ty ty | ] |
| [ | listen |
| | travis | ] |
Everything that has ever made any sense to me, or contained any sort of emotion or meaning, has been found deep inside of me. Whether it's between my thighs, in my marrow, or the love in my heart, or the competence in my brain, or the smoke in my lungs... it's all inside of me. And no amount of needles or surgery or heartbreak or anything can take any of that out of me. You're dealing with the pride of a lion. |
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| life boats |
[Oct. 11th, 2006|01:34 pm] |
goodbye braces. |
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| wail whale well |
[Sep. 21st, 2006|01:30 pm] |
i bought a new fish today.
i get my braces off in 5 days.
my ex-boyfriend is nuts.
good day! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2006|03:53 pm] |
i've been really happy lately. i'm happy with everyone in my life. i have some pretty darn amazing friends. i know where i'm going and there's nothing holding me back. i'm glad i don't have to deal with pointless bullshit and pointless people anymore. i'm working my ass off. everything is moving in the right direction. it's only a matter of time.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2006|04:23 pm] |
| [ | feel |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | listen |
| | OF MONTREAL | ] |
So my life just keeps getting more and more complicated. I really wish I could just stop time so that i can just sit down and figure shit out. But um no not going to happen. This whole not feeling feelings anymore is kinda working out great.. for me anyways. So Spring break was fun. hectic and crazy as always and I wish I had spent more time at home
i have been sleeping lately... which is very very weird. I dont know whats going on with that but i very much enjoy it. Maybe because currently im not stressed over anything. WEll until next week when i have to start doing work again and picking up the slack that i did ohhhh this whole semester. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2006|01:52 pm] |
| [ | feel |
| |  exhausted | ] |
F
U K.
C |
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| ..5..4..3..2..1..nothing |
[Nov. 24th, 2005|10:32 pm] |
| [ | feel |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | listen |
| | minusthebear | ] |
work ruled.
coming to ALBUQUERQUE in a WEEK.
i love you. |
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summerrr's journal
